TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, GAINS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Personnel Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were a penthouse, it would come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That's the vision at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical development-slash-luxury real-estate calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Of course, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. And not the usual Dubai skyline filler either-no, we're speaking Damascus, the city historically recognized for historical tradition, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It'll be incredible. Large!" Trump declared via a leaked golfing cart Zoom contact, streamed within the Placing green within Mar-a-Lago's Predicament Bunker. "We've had beautiful ceasefires in Syria. Many of the greatest. But now, we are constructing them with balconies."



Welcome into the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca in the falafel stand-puzzled, majestic, and solely from place. Created by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower capabilities:




  • A a few-floor On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Joyful Hour till the drone flies")




  • Plus a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses reported mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten several years for potable drinking water. But Certainly, confident, let's have One more put the place American men can have on robes and simply call it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains as well as a pillow menu, naturally."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas plan analysts are contacting this the most audacious peace try given that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Although past negotiations unsuccessful below the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is simpler: supply All people a collection around the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


In keeping with documents released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal involves "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration in between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, complete with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This really is soft electricity," reported political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a deal as well as a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO won't. Geopolitical gridlock wants much less diplomats and more minibar updates."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, generally into gold-plated intercoms set up in Every single unit. The UN Special Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest pointed out, "It is not that Trump shouldn't open up a tower in a war zone. It is really that he should end making use of it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested regarding the venture, replied, "You recognize, guy, I after rode a camel in Beirut. Fantastic persons. Good tan. In any case, do I even now have that ice product?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a collection for "foreseeable future proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred towards the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit in the Levant."



Satellite Shots Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit exposed that the hotel's landscaping kinds an enormous Trump head seen from Place, a attribute being marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is constructed from refugee tents plus the chin is… perfectly, categorised.


Environmental groups have filed lawsuits right after discovering the setting up's gold plating mirrored much sunlight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and established fireplace to an area melon cart.


"It truly is not only unattractive. It is a war crime with curtains," reported Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing together with other Confusing Capabilities


Perhaps the strangest factor in the Trump Tower Damascus tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:




  • A silent atrium the place attendees may well ponder obscure disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian Bed room, entire with local climate Regulate set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic display.




Neighborhood Syrians are Doubtful what to help make of the. "Is she a ghost?" requested twelve-year-outdated Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Promoting Strategy: "Should you Bomb It, They Will Come"


The advertisement marketing campaign, a short while ago leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. Just one poster reads:


"Peace is Temporary. Luxurious is Eternally."


One more slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee outlets:


"A Tower So Large, Even Assad Has to note."


General public reception is wildly divided. A the latest SnapPoll done inside of a hookah lounge shows:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the area"




  • 29% say "this tends to escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% said "where's the closest elevator into the West Financial institution?"





Investor Praise: "At last, a Crisis That Pays"


The job is previously attracting consideration from Global traders, including:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights to be a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who said he'll buy three penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




Based on a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business degree will even consist of:




  • A Dollar Shop of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Referred to as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Place Based on the Iraq War





Remark Part Chaos


To the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb short article about the unveiling, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are unable to wait to discover a marriage in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades instead of rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"At last, a resort where by my PTSD may have change-down services."


A further article from @KuwaitiKardashian merely questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Outcome


U.S. officials worry the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Housing Arms Race." Reports propose:




  • China may well open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is planning a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly supplied to make a Tesla showroom around the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten involved. In keeping with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has available to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the top ground "The Holy See-Level Suite."



Remaining Feelings through the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside a closing ceremony that associated a few camels, a flamethrower, plus a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed more than the speakers:


"Damascus required hope. It needed gold. It essential a waterslide shaped such as Constitution. I gave it all 3. You might be welcome."

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